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COMEDY

2
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Ladies and gentlemen, T.J. Miller.

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What's up, man ?

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What's goin' on ?

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How we all doin' tonight ?

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You know, I have a prescription
for marijuana.

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It's for anxiety, probably anxiety
about getting arrested for marijuana.

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What is that ?
Sounds like fake toy microphone.

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Here's somebody right here.
Let's give it up for this guy.

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Let's give him a hand.

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I said a hand.

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I said a hand.

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Are you okay, man ?

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CRASHING
Episode 2

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Thank you, Jennifer.

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I hope you're doing great,
because you deserve to be doing great.

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- You're a great person.
- Thank you.

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- Can I ? Is it too much ?
- Okay.

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Yeah !

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Got you another one.

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- I didn't want the first one.
- Yeah.

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- Because it's morning time.
- Yeah. It's eleven a.m. somewhere.

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Yeah, here.

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No. How many days
have you been out on the road ?

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That was my first road gig,
Actually ever.

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I've never performed
outside of the city before.

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- Really ?
- Yeah.

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Oh God, that was the tail end
of it for me.

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What do you mean ?

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I've done twenty-four cities
in four weeks. You can imagine that ?

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Twenty-four hour-long sets.

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That's a full day of comedy
that I've been doing on the road.

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- That's crazy.
- Well, it really fries you.

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That's the thing,
is that when you're open micing,

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it's like a party,
comedy every single night.

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You're meeting the people that
you want to hang out with every week.

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Those are your friends.

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Then, as you become more successful,
you start having to do all of it alone.

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When I bomb, there's no like shots
afterwards with all your friends.

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- It's very lonely.
- So why do you do it ? I mean...

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- 'Cause we have to, man.
- For money ?

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No. We do it because
comedy's kind of a new religion.

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You're traveling.
You're preaching to people

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this ideology of seeing everything
with a smile, you know ?

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People need it.

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You think touring comedians
are like preachers ?

47
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Yeah, exactly. Except we're better
than priests because we're not lying.

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Hello.

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- Hey. Uh, it's me.
- Peter ?

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Where have you been ?
I've been trying to reach you.

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Oh, I... Yeah, I've been trying
to reach you. I lost my phone.

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Are you okay ?

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No. Yeah.
Um, things are the same.

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- So what's up ?
- I have a favor to ask.

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I was wondering if you could come
over here and get some of your stuff.

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You want me to get my stuff ?
Of course.

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I'm sorry, but this is happening.
You know, I'm moving to Tampa.

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I can't take all this stuff with me,
and I can't stay here.

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Oh, well, I'm sorry our house is tainted
with memories of our love.

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- That must be really hard for you.
- Pete, it is hard for me.

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So if you could just come by tomorrow
morning, that would be great.

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What ? Why ?

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- I'm having a yard sale.
- What ?

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I can't believe you would even think
about doing that without talking to me.

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That's my stuff.

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I've been trying to reach you,
but you never answer your phone.

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Well, I don't have a phone
because I got mugged. Okay ?

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- That's where you sent me.
- What are you talking about ?

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- I got stabbed, Jess.
- Are you okay ?

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What do you care ?
What are you selling the couch for ?

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I don't know, like one fifty.

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One fifty ? A hundred and...
Are you shitting me ?

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Jess, that's not CB-two.
That's Crate and Barrel.

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That's CB-one, okay ?
It came assembled.

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Well, I don't want it, Pete.
I'm sorry.

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You're sorry ? That's my stuff !
You can't just sell my stuff !

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Don't touch my shit !

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Jesus.

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Imagine your husband
bought a gold necklace,

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and come Christmas gave it to
somebody else.

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I'm am so alone, a classic fool.

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Yes, but you also made
a fool out of me.

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You've made
the life I lead foolish, too.

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Darling !

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Darling !
Oh, you were wonderful.

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Hey, good morning, little fella.

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Get on up here !
Come on, you little coot !

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What time is it ?
You'd think I'd know, right ?

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Clock gag. All wrong.

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Yeah, sort of.
I think what's actually wrong

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is that human beings arbitrarily decided
on this system of time.

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It's just a way for us to make sense
of this meaningless world.

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A nihilist would say that once
we discard that meaning,

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we can make our own meaning,
and then we become gods,

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masters of our own time.

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The concept is vaguely
Native American.

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- Is this for me ?
- Yeah.

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- You made this ?
- I even cut the toast.

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Do you know the real time, though,
by any chance ?

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Yeah, the clown clock is correct.
It's a little after nine.

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- I gotta get goin'.
- What ?

102
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I'm goin' upstate.

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Just had... my wife, my ex-wife,
she's having a yard sale.

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- She's selling my stuff.
- Your ex-wife is selling...

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- My stuff.
- Your stuff ?

106
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Yeah. I gotta get up there so I can
kinda create a me pile,

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the stuff that I'm gonna claim as my own

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and will continue into this chapter
of my life,

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while she moves to Tampa
with her lover.

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- You want any help with that ?
- What do you mean ?

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Do you want me to come up there
with you ?

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You want to come upstate with me ?

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Yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna let you do it alone.

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I mean, Jesus, that is so sad, the idea,
the picture of you loading

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the belongings that your cheating wife
didn't sell, into your car.

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That's some Tennessee Williams shit,
buddy. I gotta witness hat.

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This is the life, man.

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Green grass, picket fences,
birds that aren't pigeons. I mean...

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You like this ?

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I can see a world up here.
You know, you have a family, kids.

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I'm doing too much comedy.

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I need to go to like the Four Seasons
for a month, you know,

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like rehab, but you can drink ?

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I have the opposite problem.

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My calendar's so empty, I open it up
and Siri asks me if I'm okay.

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I am doing a show tonight, actually,
which is good,

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'cause I'm gonna need to get outa here.

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I'm doing a set at the Grisly Pear,
so look out.

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- What's that shit ?
- You know, it's a mic.

130
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But, you know,
as far as open mics go, it's cheaper.

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You know, some of 'em
make you buy two drinks,

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which is about like fourteen bucks,

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but this is a two item open mic,
so you can save a little bread

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because I get double pretzels,
which is only like seven fifty.

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- Pete, I'm sorry your wife left you.
- Thanks.

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Don't worry, I got your back. I'll say
some pretty shitty things to her.

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Please don't do that.
Don't talk to my wife, please.

138
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Nah, definitely gonna say
some shit to her.

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- Pete, what are you doing here ?
- Hi, Jess.

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What do you mean ? You told me
to come up. You're selling my...

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- You're selling everything.
- I told you to come in the morning.

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Well, I couldn't come in the morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't drop everything.

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- This is very last minute.
- Ski poles ?! Shut the fuck up.

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- What are you doing with T.J. Miller ?
- We're friends now.

145
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Are you kidding me ? What,
you're selling my Super Nintendo ?

146
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I found it in the attic. It's old.

147
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This isn't old. This is an antique.

148
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Okay, Pete, it's worthless, okay ?
I Googled it.

149
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You can't get anything for that,
so who cares ?

150
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- With games ?
- Yeah, no one wants this.

151
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With Return of the Jedi ?

152
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With a Super Nintendo,
that's double kitsch.

153
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If I walked around Williamsburg
with this under my arm, I'd be accosted.

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- Hi sweeties.
- Hi.

155
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- Hello, Mrs. Potts. How are you ?
- Hi, how are you ?

156
00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:56,559
- Oh, we're good.
- Yeah, are you two moving ?

157
00:08:56,639 --> 00:08:59,720
No. No, no, no.
Uh, we're clearing out some clutter.

158
00:08:59,799 --> 00:09:02,360
- Will you do five for the candles ?
- Yes, thank you.

159
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,679
Hold on. I'm sorry.
These are from Carlsbad Caverns.

160
00:09:05,759 --> 00:09:07,279
So they're not just regular candles.

161
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They're actually souvenirs of memories
and a time that we shared,

162
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so they're actually
pretty important to me.

163
00:09:12,159 --> 00:09:13,759
We had a horrible time there, so...

164
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One of us had a great time. One of us
said she had low blood sugar,

165
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and one of us said,
"You should go to the snack shop."

166
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- Well, you know...
- They've been lit, see ?

167
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Proof of concept. They work,
They illuminate, they smell great.

168
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Fifteen, sorry.

169
00:09:25,919 --> 00:09:27,320
How much for the dog ?

170
00:09:28,399 --> 00:09:30,399
Oh, um, yeah. She's not for sale.

171
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This is a yard sale. That dog's
in the yard, so I'll ask you once more.

172
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How much for the dog ?

173
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,360
I'll give you twelve hundred cash.

174
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,840
All Things Grow With Love ?

175
00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:49,960
You're selling
All Things Grow With Love ?

176
00:09:50,039 --> 00:09:53,080
- What do you want me to say, Pete ?
- It's from our honeymoon.

177
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I know, I'm sorry, but it's like
we have to part with the stuff.

178
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It's a fresh start.

179
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,120
I stole this from Cape May
'cause you wanted it.

180
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,000
Well, do you want to keep that ?

181
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,600
No. Fine, give it away. Sell it.

182
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,519
Seriously ?

183
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,960
Brought chairs, you guys.
Case you want to take a load off.

184
00:10:15,039 --> 00:10:16,600
What is he doing here ?

185
00:10:16,679 --> 00:10:18,759
I didn't think I'd see you here,
brother.

186
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,600
Highly evolved. Good job, Pete.

187
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,840
You're still holding on to a lot, Peter.

188
00:10:24,919 --> 00:10:26,759
This is exactly why I told you
to come in the morning,

189
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,639
so you wouldn't see each other.

190
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:32,440
Am I seriously the only one of the three
of us that doesn't want to broadcast

191
00:10:32,519 --> 00:10:34,600
to the entire neighborhood
of people we know

192
00:10:34,679 --> 00:10:36,759
that you had an affair ?

193
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,679
Mrs. Potts ? She loves us.

194
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,679
We love her, too.
The Fraimans, the Scotts.

195
00:10:42,759 --> 00:10:45,360
Everyone's so great.
The community's so lovely.

196
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,600
Go tune a mandolin,
you fuckin' dickshit.

197
00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:49,360
- Oh my God.
- I'm sorry.

198
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,480
It's okay. Let it out, Pete.
It's catharsis. Let it out.

199
00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:55,080
Don't tell me to let it out while
I'm being mean to you.

200
00:10:55,159 --> 00:10:56,159
Okay.

201
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,559
Is that what you think is missing
from your life ?

202
00:10:59,639 --> 00:11:02,039
You made it this far
without seeing Scrubs.

203
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:06,519
Why cave now ?
Travel. Make love on the beach.

204
00:11:09,039 --> 00:11:12,399
I don't know if it's oak exactly,
but if I can't tell, who's gonna know ?

205
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,679
Just tell people it's oak. It's oak.

206
00:11:14,759 --> 00:11:16,919
I don't think it's oak. I'll do forty.

207
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,720
They're asking seventy-five.
It's probably oak.

208
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,600
Let's meet in the middle
and say sixty dollars.

209
00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:26,720
- Forty.
- Forty ? Wait.

210
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,240
Come here. Come on.
Here, you see fine. Come over here.

211
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,600
This is my upstate New York family.
You guys seen Big Hero Six ?

212
00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:37,679
What about How to Train Your Dragon ?

213
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,159
Here, take one with mine.
Gravity Falls ?

214
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,440
Yogi Bear Three-D ?

215
00:11:43,519 --> 00:11:45,320
Gimme my camera back. I don't
wanna take a picture with these kids.

216
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,600
I'm actually selling a lot of stuff.
It's good.

217
00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:51,480
Oh, good. I'm glad
it's going so swimmingly.

218
00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,240
Guess what, guys ? I just sold
that dresser for thirty dollars.

219
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,720
- Nice.
- What dresser ?

220
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,799
The old gray thing with the scratches
and the knobs. I don't think it's oak.

221
00:11:58,879 --> 00:12:01,279
- Our bedroom dresser ?
- I emptied it out.

222
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,440
You don't understand.
That's where I hid my journals.

223
00:12:03,519 --> 00:12:05,480
Like my private journals. Did you see
journals when you cleaned ?

224
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,399
- No.
- I taped 'em in the drawer.

225
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,320
- Shit, man !
- I didn't see a journal.

226
00:12:09,399 --> 00:12:11,200
Like composition notebooks.
That's like my work.

227
00:12:11,279 --> 00:12:13,240
He drives a blue pickup truck.
I helped him load up.

228
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:14,480
Let's go. If we hurry, we can do it.

229
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,919
We're not gonna catch a man in a truck.

230
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,720
Peter, these are your journals.

231
00:12:18,799 --> 00:12:20,559
These are the songbooks
of your heart, okay ?

232
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:22,919
Let's do this. Let's go find him.

233
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,360
- He smells like kombucha.
- Go !

234
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,600
Oh, great. It'll be an adventure
with your boyfriend.

235
00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:32,279
- Here's the thirty dollars.
- Oh, good.

236
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,559
I love you.

237
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
So how are you holdin' up ?

238
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,799
Not great, Leif.
I don't know if you can tell

239
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:02,960
this is difficult to sell
everything I ever owned.

240
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,000
I hear you, Pete, but it's just stuff.

241
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,440
Man, you can't tether yourself
to possessions.

242
00:13:08,519 --> 00:13:11,080
It's just tethering yourself
to the past.

243
00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:14,679
Okay, yeah, I liked being tethered
to the past.

244
00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:16,759
That was my home.
I liked living up here.

245
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,759
I liked being married.
I want to be tethered.

246
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,080
I hear birth pangs, man.

247
00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:24,440
I hear the howling wolf mother
giving birth to change.

248
00:13:24,519 --> 00:13:26,279
It scares you. I get it.

249
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,399
You realize this is a pursuit, right ?

250
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,679
It's better just to stop.
The gas gauge is wonky.

251
00:13:38,759 --> 00:13:42,080
It'll tell me a half a tank, and then
all of a sudden I'm out of gas.

252
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,759
Brother, how's your dream, man ?
How's comedy goin' ?

253
00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:54,919
- Leif, what do you care ?
- What do you mean ? I care a lot.

254
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,600
I actually looked up some of your clips
on YouTube, and I laughed my ass off.

255
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,440
- You've got an incredible talent.
- Great.

256
00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:04,519
That's the one thing Jess and I always
disagreed on. I think you're hilarious.

257
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,879
Well, sorry if I don't just forgive you
for everything,

258
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,799
because you liked
a YouTube video of mine.

259
00:14:11,159 --> 00:14:12,639
Yeah, I get it.

260
00:14:13,639 --> 00:14:15,159
Which one did you see ?

261
00:14:15,879 --> 00:14:20,399
The bit, I think, the thing that you did
about the doctors that have beards.

262
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,440
- "I don't trust doctors with beards."
- Yeah.

263
00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:25,039
- "What are they hiding ?"
- Yeah.

264
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,480
You have a beard. I don't trust you.

265
00:14:26,559 --> 00:14:29,240
Yeah ! See ?
That's what I'm talking about.

266
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,519
Man, your brain works like that.
You have a natural ability.

267
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,320
And your friend T.J.'s really funny too.
I hear him on satellite radio.

268
00:14:36,399 --> 00:14:39,120
Yeah, he's funny. He's great.
He's amazing.

269
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:42,960
He's like really intense.
He's like pedal to the metal kinda.

270
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,639
Yeah, he's showbiz, man.
He's the real thing.

271
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,759
He can't turn it off.
He's not like a regular person.

272
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,399
Shit. Yeah, that's heavy.

273
00:15:00,879 --> 00:15:04,600
You know, I know social morays
Should dictate that, you know,

274
00:15:04,679 --> 00:15:08,519
I'm nice to you and pretend
like I like you, but I don't.

275
00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:12,559
-I think what you did was really shitty.
- Excuse me ?

276
00:15:12,639 --> 00:15:15,440
Pete's a good guy and actually
a pretty good comedian,

277
00:15:15,519 --> 00:15:16,759
and instead of supporting that

278
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:21,000
'cause he's working so hard to achieve
your guys's dream of a better life,

279
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,080
you fucked somebody else in his bed,
who looks like he plays soccer.

280
00:15:25,159 --> 00:15:28,159
Look, I don't know what Pete told you,
but I don't think you know anything

281
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,200
about the details
about why I did what I did.

282
00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:32,960
I know that he's a comedian,
and what we do is noble.

283
00:15:33,039 --> 00:15:35,840
- And you should have supported him.
- Comedy is noble ?

284
00:15:35,919 --> 00:15:38,399
You get on stage and tell jokes
and make your whole life about you,

285
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,639
and everyone has to give you attention
and praise you all the time ?

286
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,039
I'm trying to make people happy.
What do you do ?

287
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,000
- I'm a teacher.
- Well, see then ? Then there you go !

288
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,919
Your entire profession is bullshit.

289
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,840
The only reason people listen to
teachers is because they have to.

290
00:15:50,919 --> 00:15:52,360
- What grade you teach ?
- Third.

291
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,360
Yeah. There's a lot of kids
if you teach third grade

292
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,799
that are never going to remember you,
they'll never remember your name.

293
00:15:57,879 --> 00:15:59,200
What was your third grade
teacher's name ?

294
00:15:59,279 --> 00:16:03,000
- Mrs. Galendar.
- Oh. Fuck.

295
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,960
Can you not...

296
00:16:10,039 --> 00:16:13,080
Hey, drive with your hands.
What happened to ten and two ?

297
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,559
- Drive with your hands !
- I am.

298
00:16:16,039 --> 00:16:18,080
- Shit, dude ! Check it out !
- Pull over, pull over, pull over !

299
00:16:20,639 --> 00:16:22,240
Sir ! Hi ! Hi !

300
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,559
- Hello, elder.
- Can I help you ?

301
00:16:24,639 --> 00:16:26,840
Sorry. I think you were just
at my yard sale.

302
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,519
I sold you this chest of drawers
and, unbeknownst to me...

303
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,039
He didn't know there's a couple journals
inside of there that weren't for sale.

304
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,120
Thank you so much.

305
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,799
- There's journals in here ?
- Yeah.

306
00:16:35,879 --> 00:16:39,519
- Well... Maybe I'll read 'em.
- Yeah.

307
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,759
No, it was a mistake.
We weren't trying to sell...

308
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:44,600
No, all sales are final.
It's like the Antiques Road Show.

309
00:16:44,679 --> 00:16:48,559
People are always finding Civil War
letters in desks and bureaus and such.

310
00:16:48,639 --> 00:16:51,159
Could be worth a lot of money.
Maybe I'll sell 'em.

311
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,000
You couldn't put my journals up
at Christie's.

312
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,159
They're valueless, except to me.
They're just joke ideas.

313
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,720
They're musings, little short essays.

314
00:16:57,799 --> 00:16:59,240
- Oh, you're a comic ?
- I'm a comedian, yeah.

315
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,120
- Are you funny ?
- Very funny.

316
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,840
Hey, yeah.
I have fans, yeah.

317
00:17:02,919 --> 00:17:05,599
- Like Jackie Leonard ?
- Jackie Leonard ?

318
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,559
Jackie Leonard. Hilarious.

319
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,680
- You don't know funny.
- I...

320
00:17:09,759 --> 00:17:11,119
- You don't know funny.
- Well, see, that's the...

321
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,200
If you don't know who Jackie Leonard is,
you don't know funny.

322
00:17:14,279 --> 00:17:15,680
Listen, can I please
have my journals back.

323
00:17:15,759 --> 00:17:17,960
No, I'm sorry. They're mine now.

324
00:17:18,039 --> 00:17:19,079
What are you gonna do with them ?

325
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,359
Are you gonna have an open mic
at the home ?

326
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,519
Are you trying to take advantage of me
'cause I'm old ?

327
00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:26,599
I'm not trying to sell you a time share.
I'm trying to get what's mine back.

328
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,640
- Well, they're mine !
- Are you fucking kidding me ?

329
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:32,079
What you need to understand is that
comedians are the new philosophers.

330
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,599
You think you're a philosopher ?

331
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,960
Did Socrates ever talk
about his nut sweat ?

332
00:17:36,039 --> 00:17:38,640
Did Plato ever talk about jerking off
into a trash can ?

333
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:42,920
I've had fans write me letters about
how my podcasts saved their life

334
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,240
after they split up with their wife,
so hopefully,

335
00:17:45,319 --> 00:17:47,920
something that I do
will make someone like Pete,

336
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,039
who got totally fucked over by you,

337
00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:52,559
be able to make it through their day
for the next six months,

338
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,200
instead of giving up on life entirely.

339
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,759
- These yours, amigo ?
- What ? Oh my God, what did you do ?

340
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:09,279
- Love wins, man. Love always wins.
- Oh my God, thank you.

341
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:11,839
Yeah. And I gave him
two hundred bucks.

342
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,400
- What ?
- I'm kinda regretting it.

343
00:18:15,759 --> 00:18:18,720
No. Thank you, man !
This is good shit.

344
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,240
Listen to this.
"A reality show called Fakin' It,

345
00:18:22,319 --> 00:18:24,079
where you have to pretend
to be a masseuse,

346
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,799
and, if at the end, they can tell you
were not a masseuse, you lose."

347
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,400
It was too much.

348
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,359
Had it for long time,
but I feel it's still in good condition.

349
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,640
Plus that's...
So I wouldn't worry about it.

350
00:18:44,519 --> 00:18:46,519
Hold on. Jess.

351
00:18:46,599 --> 00:18:50,000
Sorry. Excuse me, Miss.
Uh, this one's not for sale, sorry.

352
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,680
Jess, this is my mom's table from
college. She's had it for decades.

353
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,920
- She gave it to us.
- That is fucked up, Missy.

354
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,400
I told you to tell me what you wanted,

355
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:00,960
and you didn't come and do that,
so what do you want ?

356
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:03,400
I couldn't set this aside
because I was already out

357
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,400
looking for something else you sold
that I didn't approve.

358
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,519
I didn't approve this.

359
00:19:06,599 --> 00:19:08,759
- What will you do with this table ?
- What does that supposed to mean ?

360
00:19:08,839 --> 00:19:10,400
Where are you gonna put it ?
You're homeless.

361
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,279
Okay. You know what, fuck it.
Fifty-fifty, right ?

362
00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:15,000
- Isn't that what divorce is ?
- Yeah.

363
00:19:15,079 --> 00:19:17,079
- This'll be mine.
- What are you doing ?

364
00:19:17,759 --> 00:19:19,640
- This is mine ! Alright ?
- Pete, stop.

365
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,839
This is yours.
I never liked that shit.

366
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:22,920
- Pete.
- Wicker.

367
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,599
This is mine !
This love seat's mine.

368
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,759
- T.J., can you help me ?
- Gladly.

369
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:31,000
I don't want any more mistakes.
This is my shit.

370
00:19:31,079 --> 00:19:34,319
You have nowhere to put it, Pete.
Stop it. Come inside and talk to me.

371
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,000
I don't want to talk to you.
In fact...

372
00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:39,240
Put it down. I don't want this.
I would rather set this shit on fire

373
00:19:39,319 --> 00:19:41,519
before I let you continue
to disrespect our life !

374
00:19:41,599 --> 00:19:44,839
- Yeah ! That's exactly right !
- Or he could buy all of this stuff.

375
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,000
We'll set it up across the street
at the Sullivans,

376
00:19:47,079 --> 00:19:49,759
and you watch me have a yard sale
that breaks your heart !

377
00:19:49,839 --> 00:19:52,359
Will you come inside and talk to me ?
Now !

378
00:19:53,799 --> 00:19:55,640
I don't want any of this shit.

379
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,680
You want a hand, bro ? Here.

380
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,079
Big fan.

381
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,799
- Is this Leif ?
- You know who I am, too ?

382
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,160
- Can you try to be reasonable, please.
- Jess, I am being reasonable, okay ?

383
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,680
This is just a lot.
And you're doing it so easily.

384
00:20:12,759 --> 00:20:14,599
- It's not easy !
- Doesn't this bother you ?!

385
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,160
Of course it bothers me, Peter.
This is so hard for me.

386
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,039
This was your idea, so you could go to
Florida with some pocket money !

387
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:23,319
I'm not using it to go Florida.
We're doing it for you, Pete.

388
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,680
What ?

389
00:20:24,759 --> 00:20:28,160
We're giving you the money.
I don't want you to have nothing.

390
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,640
I'm... I feel bad enough as it is.

391
00:20:32,119 --> 00:20:34,359
Shit, man.

392
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,559
That's the second nice thing
you guys have done for me today.

393
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,559
This is really a mind fuck,
you understand ?

394
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,160
What happened ?

395
00:20:43,599 --> 00:20:46,759
Leif gave the guy two hundred dollars
to get these back.

396
00:20:46,839 --> 00:20:50,559
- Two hundred dollars ? Geez.
- It was really nice of him.

397
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:54,319
- Well, he's a nice guy.
- Alright, let's not go nuts.

398
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,279
There's some good stuff in here.

399
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,720
Like this is when we went
to that place,

400
00:21:00,799 --> 00:21:03,200
the fancy restaurant
with the huge wine cellar.

401
00:21:03,519 --> 00:21:06,920
I didn't know any wine, so I got
Beringer White Zinfandel.

402
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:11,079
We had to present it and taste it and
it's like a four dollar bottle of wine.

403
00:21:11,759 --> 00:21:13,000
Yeah.

404
00:21:13,079 --> 00:21:16,160
These are good memories.
This is was our life.

405
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,960
March, twenty twelve.
Remember, I thought I was pregnant ?

406
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:26,640
Yeah. That was a really...
That was a hard week.

407
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,960
- It's two lines.
- What ?

408
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:30,839
Two lines about me
maybe having a baby,

409
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,519
and then the next three pages are about

410
00:21:33,599 --> 00:21:35,960
how great Doug Stanhopew
as on Louie.

411
00:21:36,039 --> 00:21:39,519
Okay, look. It's not... These are mine.
These are private journals.

412
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:41,680
I didn't want anyone else
to read them. Okay...

413
00:21:41,759 --> 00:21:43,240
- I know.
- It was just for me.

414
00:21:43,319 --> 00:21:45,079
- You love comedy.
- No, I cared...

415
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,960
- It's your big love.
- Jess, you're my big love.

416
00:21:48,039 --> 00:21:49,880
Now, Pete, you have your thing.

417
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:53,319
I need my thing, and my thing
can't just be supporting your thing.

418
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,799
Anybody that does something
extraordinary

419
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,119
has someone in the shadows
taking it on the chin.

420
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,400
We're just taking shifts.

421
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:07,279
Pete, if I'd be able to support you more
if I were really in love with you.

422
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:12,160
Like if Leif wanted to do comedy,
I would support him.

423
00:22:12,759 --> 00:22:16,440
When you're really in love with
somebody, you'll do anything for them.

424
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,000
I'm sorry. It sounds horrible.

425
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,519
Well...

426
00:22:27,039 --> 00:22:30,880
That's really shitty, but okay.

427
00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:34,200
Look. If I told you
we could get back together,

428
00:22:34,279 --> 00:22:36,960
but you can't do comedy anymore,
would you do that ?

429
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,319
- No.
- No...

430
00:22:44,759 --> 00:22:46,880
- Yeah ! This is for the comedy gods !
- Holy shit !

431
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,559
This is what it looks like when a man
moves on ! Moving on, yeah !

432
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,680
- T.J. !
- Oh my God !

433
00:22:52,759 --> 00:22:54,880
- I got it, guys ! I got it ! I got it !
- Hey, no ! Hey, no, he doesn't !

434
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,799
All hail the comedy god !

435
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,559
These are the ashes from which you'll
rise as the phoenix of comedy. See ?

436
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,799
Pete ! You're movin' on ! Yeah !

437
00:23:05,799 --> 00:23:07,599
You're free, Pete !
Yeah !

438
00:23:20,759 --> 00:23:22,640
You know I did that for you, man.

439
00:23:23,279 --> 00:23:24,680
Did you a solid.

440
00:23:25,519 --> 00:23:29,599
That's one way to handle it.
That was a big swing.

441
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,480
What a grand ending
to your guys's union.

442
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,039
And also, Super Nintendo.

443
00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:41,680
You that play
when we get home tonight ?

444
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,440
No. No, I don't.

445
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:53,160
Alright. Good to see ya.

446
00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:55,480
So, men, don't worry.
I'm a comedian.

447
00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:59,319
I know it looks like I should be selling
meth at a gay rodeo, but...

448
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,680
Yeah, this is my look.

449
00:24:00,759 --> 00:24:03,160
You ever wear
somethin' once, and it gets you laid

450
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:04,839
and you just keep wearin' it ?

451
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:08,279
That's kind of how this happened.
Laid at a Brad Paisley concert.

452
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,640
- You're next.
- Okay.

453
00:24:12,559 --> 00:24:17,119
And you can do five, but I want you
to like treat it like you're doin' four.

454
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,039
You're just a little rushed.

455
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:20,960
You think when I do five minutes
I feel rushed ?

456
00:24:21,039 --> 00:24:23,039
Yeah, well, I see you trying to do five,

457
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:25,279
but people don't want
to see you trying to do five.

458
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,640
So just treat it like a four,
and then I'll give you five.

459
00:24:29,079 --> 00:24:30,480
What's up, man ?

460
00:24:30,559 --> 00:24:33,759
T.J., what... What is goin' on ?
What are you doin' here ?

461
00:24:33,839 --> 00:24:35,920
You said that this is a good show.
Hey, I'm T.J.

462
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,119
But you said that you wanted
to take a break.

463
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:39,720
You want to go up ?

464
00:24:42,839 --> 00:24:47,720
Welcome to the Grisly Pear, right ?
Is it Grisley Pear or Gristly ?

465
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:52,359
Do pears have animal fat in them ?
They do here ! At the Gristly Pear !

466
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,640
Now I have to follow this guy ?

467
00:24:58,039 --> 00:25:01,359
He's gonna make you a better comic.
I'm grooming you.

468
00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:06,599
I have a prescription for marijuana.
It's for anxiety.

469
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,160
Primarily anxiety about getting arrested
for marijuana.

470
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,359
I need a break. You know,
when I'm not workin', I'm workin'.

471
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,640
When I'm not working, I'm twerking.

472
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,160
ALL THINGS GROW WITH LOVE

473
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,599
End of episode 3